If you are a caregiver providing care for aging parents, it can be challenging to find the balance between looking after them and maintaining your own needs. A tug of war game often plays out with your parents trying to control and manipulate you into meeting their needs first. This can be especially hard because they are usually older and perhaps frailer but still know how to manipulate you. It can seem as if they have complete control over your life, and they are generally well informed of all the details of your life. As much as you may want to take care of them and meet their needs, it is essential to set boundaries to avoid getting pushed around.

Manipulative Elderly Parents Definition

The term manipulative or controlling parents refers to parents who control their children. They try to control what the child does, how much time they spend with the child, and even where the child goes when they are away from them. Sometimes, this can be expressed in more subtle ways as well. Such as criticizing a child’s choices, saying that someone else is making better decisions than you by pointing out that “your mother” or “your father” has a good job while you don’t. This can sometimes lead to a strong sense of inferiority within their children because they don’t measure up.

The following are some examples of controlling/manipulating parents:

1. Guilt-tripping

One thing that makes manipulative parents so powerful is the guilt trip. The guilt trip is a way to make you think that it’s your fault and feel bad about doing things without them because you are supposed to take care of them.

This might be especially true if they have done things for you in the past. This can be in the form of saying, “I took care of you when you were little,” or “I never left your side while you were sick.” These are effective guilt trips because they are factual statements, but they still make you feel bad about spending time away from them.

2. Controlling

One of the main ways that manipulative parents control their children is by not giving them any freedom. A child’s will can be influenced in this way, making things a lot more complicated for both of them. There are several ways to determine this:

Disapproval – sometimes, parents who disapprove of something are more likely to control it. They may manipulate their child into thinking that if they do what their parent wants, they will be happy or approve of them. “Why don’t you listen to me? I’m your mother, and I know what’s best for you.”

Fear and Threats– this is a scary way to control your child. Even if the threat is not taken literally, the emotional and mental possibilities of this threat can still scare your child into doing what you want. If your parent is constantly telling you that they will leave if you don’t do what they want, it can make some children feel as if their very stability has been threatened.

3. Blaming

Manipulative parents control their children by blaming them for everything wrong in their lives. They may try to make their children feel as if they are the ones to blame for not doing certain things they had planned.

“You can’t take care of yourself, so why should you take care of us?”

“Why did you get involved with those homeless people? You were supposed to leave them alone.”

4. Complaining

This is another common way that manipulative parents control their children. They may complain about how difficult it is for them and make them feel bad about themselves. This can cause the child to feel very guilty about doing things without their parent.

5. Gossip

Sometimes manipulative parents talk about their children to others. They may talk about how badly their children are doing and make them failures. Sometimes, it can be just about the behaviors of their children. This can make their children feel like what they are doing is not good enough for other people, and they need to continue doing better. As if there is something wrong with them.

6. Comparison

Parents can control their children by comparing them to other people, especially in a negative way. This comparison can come in many ways: appearance, intelligence, weight, height, or maybe even strength or success in business or school. It can make children feel inadequate about what they are doing and feel like they do not measure up to the standards of others.

We at Serenity Senior Care understand that dealing with elderly parents in control can be challenging.

What Causes Elderly Parents to Manipulate?

As people get older, things change. This can greatly affect people and how they are, especially if they are not in good health. This can result in several different personality traits that cause them to manipulate.

Understanding where this comes from is key to recognizing and stopping it. If you can see where elderly people are coming from, you can see how they are trying to manipulate you, making it easier to work around it.

1. Compulsion

As people get older, they have less control over their lives, so the need for control becomes greater. They have less free time, feel more ill at ease, or just “lose track of time.” This can result in anxiety and worries about the future. As a result, they may try to control more of the things around them.

First of all, they will try to control their time. They may suddenly start doing things they did not before or are more interested in doing them. For example, they may suddenly want to clean the house every day and do regular chores like cleaning and cooking. Then they will try to control their relationships with others. They may try to control their children by telling them what to do and being different from others.

2. Health

As people get older, their physical health has a bigger impact on their lives. This can result in their personality changing as well. They might feel ill more often and be more worried about things. This can also cause them to fear death and the end of life. They may start trying to control the things around them because they want to ensure they have done everything they wanted before it is too late. If they feel that they have not, it will create anxiety and cause another need for control.

As individuals get older, it becomes harder for them to achieve what they want or do anything independently. This can result in them needing to control things to be less frustrating and more productive.

Also, it can affect their mental health if they are feeling sick a lot or losing some capacity. We see the most common one is depression, but it could also be loneliness or isolation. These feelings can make them anxious, so they act out more to cope. To feel better, they may try to exert more influence and control over themselves and those around them.

3. Money

As people age, they may need to work less or have less income. Either one of these is enough for them to feel anxious if things are not going the way they planned.

If an elderly parent is trying to avoid the pain of being alone or the potential loss of income from death, it might be because you are leaving and leaving them behind. This might make them want you closer so you are not gone for good and so that you can be on your own.

How to Deal with a Manipulative Elderly Parent and Set Boundaries

Now that you know what kind of a parent you are dealing with, it is time to find out how to deal with them. You should be wise in your approach and careful when dealing with a manipulative parent. Even though your relations with your parents are sour because they are manipulative, do not lose hope because it is possible to work things out.

1. Understand

First, you need to understand that your parent is quite old and that there are so many things about them that you just have to accept. You could have problems accepting that your parents manipulate and use you, but it will help you in the long run if you first accept the truth.

Find out more about your family history and upbringing. This information could offer new perspectives on your parent’s actions. Also, understanding your parent is one of the basic things you can do to help them. In this way, your parents will not be so irritable and anxious when confronting them.

2. Assess

Once you’ve understood their manipulative behaviors, think about ways that you can communicate clearly with your parent (and get them to listen). Can you talk things out? If so, go ahead. Otherwise, start looking for alternatives like mediation, counseling, therapy, professional intervention, etc. Also, take note of any physical abuse and neglect as a common key sign. These signals will let you know exactly how far you want to go in communicating with your parent. Do not hesitate to seek the help of a professional if you need to.

3. Choose The Best Approach For YOU

As you already know, not everyone responds to the same strategies or methods. When choosing between communication styles, consider your personal preferences and needs. For example, you might speak directly, ask questions indirectly or talk through a third party. You might decide to confront your parents face-to-face or write letters, emails, or journal entries. Each method has its advantages and disadvantages. Try each one until you find one that works most effectively for you.

As discussed earlier, sometimes confrontation is necessary. However, if you become too angry, frustrated, or hurt during a conversation, the chances are that your parent will lose interest in listening to you. If confrontation does seem like a good option, try talking to your parent in small doses throughout the day. Or, if it seems easier, talk to them at night when they are less likely to interrupt you. Ask them questions like “Why did you treat me that way?” or “What were you trying to tell me when you treated me that way?”

4. Stay Calm

The key here is to remain calm to avoid escalating situations. Remaining calm helps to keep your emotions under control. This means keeping them from taking over and allowing you to express your feelings in a way that doesn’t provoke retaliation. Keep in mind that anger only gives your parents power. Letting your emotions take over will empower her further and push the conflict forward. Remain calm by being aware of your thoughts. And don’t forget to breathe! It may be helpful to do some relaxation exercises before having these conversations.

5. Follow Up

Finally, follow up every time you have an interaction with your parent. Maintain contact by sending notes or making phone calls as often as possible. Even after a long period, follow up periodically to check in with your parents. Doing this will allow them to reflect upon what happened and how they feel about it now. And it will also remind them that you’re still interested in hearing their side of things.

Final Thought

It’s important to remember that they always need love no matter how old your parents are. Manipulative parents are usually driven by their own unmet emotional needs. So do your best to understand them and give them the love they need.

At Serenity Senior Care, we provide services that are specially designed to help manipulative elderly parents, such as:

Respite Care provides temporary relief to family caregivers while taking short breaks away from their responsibilities.
Personal Care – Personal care services include assistance with daily activities and help with housekeeping.
Companion Services – Companion Services include helping your parent get around, assistance with medication management, and assistance in other areas of daily need.
Health Care – Health Care services help manage a wide range of health issues.

Most importantly, we believe that enjoying life is not determined by the inability to do daily activities but rather the fear of doing them.

Learn How to Deal with Manipulative Elderly Parents and Set Boundaries